Magic Words
By : Danny V. Leonera
I LOVE YOU, THANK YOU, IM’ SORRY. Tatlong simpleng mga salita na sa aminin man natin o hindi sa sarili ay mahirap para sa bawat isa sa atin na bigkasin. Mga salitang nagtataglay ng malalim na kahulugan sa atin kaya hindi dapat ito basta basta bitiwan o sabihin sa mga taong deserving na makatanggap ng ganitong mga salita I LOVE YOU. Usually maririnig mo lang ito sa mga taong umiibig. Minsan nga makikita mo lang ito sa mga card, kapag may okasyon o kaya naman sa mga text messages lang. Piso lang ang halaga ng I Love You sa’yo. Sa telepono naman, doon mo lang masasabi sa kanya na mahal mo siya. Para bang takot na takot sabihin ang salitang I Love You. Kasi di ba kapag diretsang sasabihin sa’yo ng minamahal mo, parang ang sarap-sarap pakinggan. Yong tipo bang feel na feel mong sinabihan ka ng I love you. Na may nagmamahal pala sa’yo at nagpapahalaga. At malalaman mong may puwang ka pala sa puso niya. (naks !) Ang iba naman ang sinasabing I love you ay luma na, baduy ! Kasi naniniwala sila na sa ibang paraan nila napapakita ang pagmamahal nila. Sabi nga it’s the thought that counts. Oo nga it’s the thought that counts, pero mas maganda, di ba ? Kapag sinasabi mo na sa kanya ay ipinapadama mo pa. Mas dama ninyo pa ang tunay na spirit ng love.
Ang iba naman sa pagtatago ng nararamdaman, para bang ang hirap ilabas, kasi nahihiya. Baka pagtawanan ka, kasi sa panahon ngayon hindi uso ang seryosohan, wala ng nagtatagal na relasyon. Di mo naman dapat sabihin na mahal mo ang isang tao kung trip mo lang, makakasakit ka pa ng tao. Nag I love you ka na, dapat mo naman siyang pasalamatan sa pagmamahal na ibinibigay niya sa’yo. THANK YOU. Parang ang daling bigkasin, diba ? Dalawang salita, dalawang pantig pero bakit ang hirap sabihin. Sinasabi mo ito sa mga taong gumagawa sa’yo ng kabutihan o kaya naman sa pinagkakautangan mo ng loob. Pero kahit naman sa simpleng ginawa sa inyo ay nagpapasalamat kayo. Ito ay lalong nagpapatibay ng isang relasyon dahil maiisip ng isang tao sa’yo marunong kang tumanaw ng utang na loob.
Nag-I love you ka na, nagpasalamat ka na sa pagmamahal na inalay niya sa’yo, nag thank you ka na. Paano kapag medyo nagkalabuan, pa’no na yun ? Magsosorry ka, parang ang hirap sabihin. Yung tipong alam mo na ikaw ang may kasalanan sasabihin mo lang SORRY hindi mo pa magawa. Makikipagmatigasan pa. Ganito iyan eh ! Kung alam mo nang ikaw ang may kasalanan, lapitan mo na mag-sorry ka. Wala namang mawawala sa’yo. Kung hindi ka niya pansinin, problema na niya iyon basta ikaw nagawa mo na ang part mo. Kasi pride yan. Tipo bang nagpapakiramdaman lang kayo kung sinong unang lalapit. Kung nasaktan mo ang damdamin ng isang tao, magsorry ka kaagad. Kahit hindi mo nakikita sa mukha niya, masaya siya sa loob. Kasi gaano man kasakit ang ginawa mo sa kanya, unti-unting nababawasan ang sakit na nararamdaman niya. Tatlong salita na tila may pagkahawig sa isa’t isa. Magsasabi ka ng I love you, pasasalamatan mo naman ang pagmamahal na binigay niya sa’yo, sasabihin mo thank you, pag medyo nagkakaproblema naman kayo, magsosorry ka. Tapos bati na uli kayo, masaya na ang lahat, diba parang magic ? Pero kung hindi mo mababanggit ang isa man sa mga ito maaari itong maging simula ng pagkakalayo ng loob ninyo sa isa’t isa. Kung hindi mo sasabihin ngayon o bukas kailan pa ? Tatlong simpleng salita, subukan ninyong iparamdam sa isang tao na mahal ninyo siya, mahalaga sa iyo kahit na simpleng bagay lamang. Sa pamamagitan ng pagbanggit lamang ng tatlong MAGIC WORDS na ito na tunay na nakapagbabago at nakapagpapaganda ng isang relasyon. Di pa huli ang lahat, we can still say…thank you, sorry, I’ll miss you and I love you.
dimanche 26 octobre 2008
MY ONE AND ONLY SUPERSTAR - NORA AUNOR
Dear Ate Guy,
I will be so lucky to be read by you. I am one of those who are spending time away from our homeland to escape the poverty and the crimes and whatever things hound us back there.
I also want to take this opportunity to be finally honest to myself and declare to the world my admiration for you, that you have enriched my life and made me a better person, ever since the "Tawag ng Tanghalan" days.
I was just in elementary then na interesado ring kumanta . You would sing songs like it was just one step away from crying. I would get teary-eyed listening to you. You must win, I told myself, especially after I learned where you were coming from. Ang payat mo pa noon, di ba? Tapos kiming-kimi . And then meron pa akong pinsan who would criticize you as patpatin and uhugin , I was so infuriated. All the more I stood by you.
I began looking forward to your singing in the radio and variety shows. Tapos, napansin ka na ng mga movie producers. Nahalata na nila kung gaano ka na ka-requested . You did bit parts. Naririnig ko noon, kuwentuhan 'yung mga tao kung paano magtitilian sa sinehan kapag umapir ka na sa telon. Hindi ka pa bida noon .
I pestered and pestered my father to allow me to watch. Kasi, he had something against Filipino movies. He got really angry and threatened to stop sending me to school. Hindi daw makakatulong na ang valedictorian sa klase ay isang movie fan.
Pero anong magagawa ko? Tuwang-tuwa ako sa iyo. Gandang-ganda ako sa mukha mo Gustong-gusto kitang ipagtanggol. Lalu na't nakikita ko na parati kang tahimik, na sa kaliitan at kahinhinan mo ay para bang lalamunin ka lagi ng tao. 'Yung iba namang artista, puro pilit magmukhang mayaman. Ikaw, naiiba, simpleng-simple.
That's why, nang nagbida ka na sa "Maria Leonora Teresa," I had to watch the movie, come hell or high water. Alam mo bang that was my first act of independence from my father? And then pruweba pa ito na "made" ka na at tanggap ka na ng mga elite sa movie industry, kasi mismong si Pip ay galing sa angkan ng mga pinagpipitaganang artista . Show them, Nora, show them, sabi-sabi ko noon sa sarili ko. Feeling ko nga, umunlad ang bayan, eh. Ikaw ba naman ang makapareha ng isang Amerikano like Don Johnson. Nung ginawa mo na ang "Merika" later, I'd already been to several places here in North America, courtesy of my relatives, pero inspired pa rin to look for my own Don Johnson. Pero , one thing for sure, nung time ng "Lollipops and Roses," mas inspired ako sa buhay even if those were really dark years.
MLT, Lollipops and Roses, Kondesang Basahan ... " Sikat akong kusinera, ako ang siyang nauuna, nahuhuli ang sinyora, ngunit kapag sibuyas na ang hiniwa ay tumutulo ang aking luha, kahit artista sa drama ay maluluma, ako ang siyang kaawa-awa"? Tingnan mo, tanda ko pa lyrics. Those were my days of innocence. My mother and sisters were with me when I watched "And God Smiled at Me," although it was a secret from my father. "As I said a prayer, singing by the altar...." We were all crying in the end. Sabi ko talaga, ikaw na rin ang pinakamagaling sa drama.
Ako, I became very open sa mga roles mo dahil nga napabilib mo na ako at hindi ako nadi-disappoint . You always surprised me. Kaya nga open din ako sa mga pagbabago sa buhay mo. Ang mahalaga, hindi ka nangingiba sa aming mga fans kahit ilan sa amin, makitid, gusto parati ka na lang bata in miniskirt and ribbons at mahaba ang buhok. Tapos, mag-topless ka ba naman sa "Banawe!" But then, you pulled it off. Ako nga lang lagi ang natatakot. 'Yun pala , that was just the start of films that would make Philippine cinema recognized all over the world -- Minsan May Isang Gamu-gamo, Bona, Himala. You would regularly make popular movies, and then surprise everyone with quality films -- Andrea, The Flor Contemplacion Story, Naglalayag. In all of them, you gave justice to your role. People would notice the eyes, the mannerisms, the voice. Ginagaya kasi kaiba. Kasi rin, basta may kinalaman sa 'yo, popular kaagad, may connect sa tao.
Nora, you could have gone on forever playing cute for your fans and playing safe. You could have even chosen to quit show business. Pero naiintindihan kita, Nora. Ang tao ay kailangang "maglayag ," as they say. And you are not afraid to venture out, lumubog, magkamali. Hindi humdrum ang iyong existence.
You have been admired for so many things, but I think people still have to give you credit for your courage. I read a columnist call that character some kind of self-destructiveness. Well, I would like to tell that person na in this journey of life, there is not one sure way and we don't always know what to do. Nora, you've gone through twists and turns in life, yet you're still standing. Hindi ka nagmakaawa o nagpa-awa . Nora, you've shown character and how it is to keep dignity intact.
Marunong kang tumayo at lumaban. Kahit noong politika na ang napasok mo at tinitira ka na pati ng mga bigating politiko at kapwa mo artista na loyal sa isang tao na unang-una, ikaw ang may tunay na pagkakilala. Tapos , you ran for governor in Bicol, where every one knew there was no beating the trapos and warlords there. Ni sa pangarap, di yata ako magkakaroon ng ganyang lakas ng loob. Kaya para sa akin, ikaw ang panalo.
Though I never had the chance to be one of those who would sneak into your shooting locations, lalo na noong kasikatan ng Guy and Pip love team and people would hold hankies up to you, and queue for a chance to just peek at you, kahit bagsak ka na sa puyat at natutulog ka na lang, feeling ko we have a connection. My life isn't perfect at imposible sigurong maging perpekto rin ang buhay mo -- walang perpektong buhay. Pero sa 'yo, ang daming miron. Still, you're living the life I never can live.
Can anyone imagine the Philippines without a Nora Aunor? Nai-connect ko na nga ang my being a Nora fan to asserting my identity here abroad. Di ba lahat na lang ng Pinoy kilala ka? Di ba ibig sabihin noon ay parte ka na ng kaluluwa ng bayan? Tapos ngayon, bakit may nagrereklamo na tinutulungan ka sa kaso mo? 'Yun ngang mga nagnanakaw na Pilipino sa Saudi, tinutulungan natin eh. Ang mga pagkakamali ba ay mas importante pa sa mga malalaking tagumpay? Lastly, why are we judging people when, in fact, mga miron lang tayong lahat sa kanilang buhay? Ako , I refuse to judge, kasi hindi ko naranasan 'yung kay liit kong tao ay nag-iigib ng tubig at nagbebenta nito sa riles ng tren sa init ng araw, at maglakad papasok nang walang tsinelas. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano buhatin sa aking balikat ang matataas na ekspektasyon ng isang buong bansa.
Forever Noranian,
Danny V. Leonera
I will be so lucky to be read by you. I am one of those who are spending time away from our homeland to escape the poverty and the crimes and whatever things hound us back there.
I also want to take this opportunity to be finally honest to myself and declare to the world my admiration for you, that you have enriched my life and made me a better person, ever since the "Tawag ng Tanghalan" days.
I was just in elementary then na interesado ring kumanta . You would sing songs like it was just one step away from crying. I would get teary-eyed listening to you. You must win, I told myself, especially after I learned where you were coming from. Ang payat mo pa noon, di ba? Tapos kiming-kimi . And then meron pa akong pinsan who would criticize you as patpatin and uhugin , I was so infuriated. All the more I stood by you.
I began looking forward to your singing in the radio and variety shows. Tapos, napansin ka na ng mga movie producers. Nahalata na nila kung gaano ka na ka-requested . You did bit parts. Naririnig ko noon, kuwentuhan 'yung mga tao kung paano magtitilian sa sinehan kapag umapir ka na sa telon. Hindi ka pa bida noon .
I pestered and pestered my father to allow me to watch. Kasi, he had something against Filipino movies. He got really angry and threatened to stop sending me to school. Hindi daw makakatulong na ang valedictorian sa klase ay isang movie fan.
Pero anong magagawa ko? Tuwang-tuwa ako sa iyo. Gandang-ganda ako sa mukha mo Gustong-gusto kitang ipagtanggol. Lalu na't nakikita ko na parati kang tahimik, na sa kaliitan at kahinhinan mo ay para bang lalamunin ka lagi ng tao. 'Yung iba namang artista, puro pilit magmukhang mayaman. Ikaw, naiiba, simpleng-simple.
That's why, nang nagbida ka na sa "Maria Leonora Teresa," I had to watch the movie, come hell or high water. Alam mo bang that was my first act of independence from my father? And then pruweba pa ito na "made" ka na at tanggap ka na ng mga elite sa movie industry, kasi mismong si Pip ay galing sa angkan ng mga pinagpipitaganang artista . Show them, Nora, show them, sabi-sabi ko noon sa sarili ko. Feeling ko nga, umunlad ang bayan, eh. Ikaw ba naman ang makapareha ng isang Amerikano like Don Johnson. Nung ginawa mo na ang "Merika" later, I'd already been to several places here in North America, courtesy of my relatives, pero inspired pa rin to look for my own Don Johnson. Pero , one thing for sure, nung time ng "Lollipops and Roses," mas inspired ako sa buhay even if those were really dark years.
MLT, Lollipops and Roses, Kondesang Basahan ... " Sikat akong kusinera, ako ang siyang nauuna, nahuhuli ang sinyora, ngunit kapag sibuyas na ang hiniwa ay tumutulo ang aking luha, kahit artista sa drama ay maluluma, ako ang siyang kaawa-awa"? Tingnan mo, tanda ko pa lyrics. Those were my days of innocence. My mother and sisters were with me when I watched "And God Smiled at Me," although it was a secret from my father. "As I said a prayer, singing by the altar...." We were all crying in the end. Sabi ko talaga, ikaw na rin ang pinakamagaling sa drama.
Ako, I became very open sa mga roles mo dahil nga napabilib mo na ako at hindi ako nadi-disappoint . You always surprised me. Kaya nga open din ako sa mga pagbabago sa buhay mo. Ang mahalaga, hindi ka nangingiba sa aming mga fans kahit ilan sa amin, makitid, gusto parati ka na lang bata in miniskirt and ribbons at mahaba ang buhok. Tapos, mag-topless ka ba naman sa "Banawe!" But then, you pulled it off. Ako nga lang lagi ang natatakot. 'Yun pala , that was just the start of films that would make Philippine cinema recognized all over the world -- Minsan May Isang Gamu-gamo, Bona, Himala. You would regularly make popular movies, and then surprise everyone with quality films -- Andrea, The Flor Contemplacion Story, Naglalayag. In all of them, you gave justice to your role. People would notice the eyes, the mannerisms, the voice. Ginagaya kasi kaiba. Kasi rin, basta may kinalaman sa 'yo, popular kaagad, may connect sa tao.
Nora, you could have gone on forever playing cute for your fans and playing safe. You could have even chosen to quit show business. Pero naiintindihan kita, Nora. Ang tao ay kailangang "maglayag ," as they say. And you are not afraid to venture out, lumubog, magkamali. Hindi humdrum ang iyong existence.
You have been admired for so many things, but I think people still have to give you credit for your courage. I read a columnist call that character some kind of self-destructiveness. Well, I would like to tell that person na in this journey of life, there is not one sure way and we don't always know what to do. Nora, you've gone through twists and turns in life, yet you're still standing. Hindi ka nagmakaawa o nagpa-awa . Nora, you've shown character and how it is to keep dignity intact.
Marunong kang tumayo at lumaban. Kahit noong politika na ang napasok mo at tinitira ka na pati ng mga bigating politiko at kapwa mo artista na loyal sa isang tao na unang-una, ikaw ang may tunay na pagkakilala. Tapos , you ran for governor in Bicol, where every one knew there was no beating the trapos and warlords there. Ni sa pangarap, di yata ako magkakaroon ng ganyang lakas ng loob. Kaya para sa akin, ikaw ang panalo.
Though I never had the chance to be one of those who would sneak into your shooting locations, lalo na noong kasikatan ng Guy and Pip love team and people would hold hankies up to you, and queue for a chance to just peek at you, kahit bagsak ka na sa puyat at natutulog ka na lang, feeling ko we have a connection. My life isn't perfect at imposible sigurong maging perpekto rin ang buhay mo -- walang perpektong buhay. Pero sa 'yo, ang daming miron. Still, you're living the life I never can live.
Can anyone imagine the Philippines without a Nora Aunor? Nai-connect ko na nga ang my being a Nora fan to asserting my identity here abroad. Di ba lahat na lang ng Pinoy kilala ka? Di ba ibig sabihin noon ay parte ka na ng kaluluwa ng bayan? Tapos ngayon, bakit may nagrereklamo na tinutulungan ka sa kaso mo? 'Yun ngang mga nagnanakaw na Pilipino sa Saudi, tinutulungan natin eh. Ang mga pagkakamali ba ay mas importante pa sa mga malalaking tagumpay? Lastly, why are we judging people when, in fact, mga miron lang tayong lahat sa kanilang buhay? Ako , I refuse to judge, kasi hindi ko naranasan 'yung kay liit kong tao ay nag-iigib ng tubig at nagbebenta nito sa riles ng tren sa init ng araw, at maglakad papasok nang walang tsinelas. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano buhatin sa aking balikat ang matataas na ekspektasyon ng isang buong bansa.
Forever Noranian,
Danny V. Leonera
OUT OF THE WINDOW
AH, THE MORNING after.
It's all whiskey under the bridge now, the past night's revelry of eardrum and bass, highly advanced stages of nicotine addiction, and free flowing beer to wash it all down. Yet instead of being tucked away within pillow clouds to resuscitate a brain that feels like it was swallowed by a paper shredder, you're sitting up, wide-eyed awake, clutching your cup of coffee as if your very life depended on it. A computer screen stares blankly at you. For it's only the middle of the work week, and you want to affirm your immortality by proving that you can work hard and party harder, as all the cooler-than-thou city owls so proclaim. Yep, the weekday is the new weekend! you shout loudly in your head (but not too loud so as not to lose more cerebrospinal fluids). Then as the last bubbles of the Berroca fizzle into your bottled water, you realize that your rakenrol lifestyle has a price, other than a liver screaming for a substitute. You open your wallet and there you have it. Or rather, there you don't.
Cue in soundtrack by Cake: Ah tell me, how do you afford your rock 'n roll lifestyle?
The formula is quite simple, at least according to my friend, a band manager, who continues to amaze me as to how she can show up everyday for her day job and still maintain a perfect after-hours attendance at a favorite indie hotspot. It's all a matter of grade school addition and subtraction, she revealed the other day, opening an Excel sheet to show me her weekly budget. Subtract from the food budget, because apparently it is possible to survive on instant noodles and 3-in-1 coffee for lunch. Then add the amount to the party staples of yosi and alcohol. Since she got together with a new boyfriend over the holidays, that meant she could minus a bit from her gas allowance. But the fact that she got a new boyfriend also meant that she had to add to her cell phone allocation. Whatever amount that was left over went to her iPod Nano fund. It was so simple and elegant I almost shed a tear. Except for one glaring fact that made all the difference: A black hole left in her bank account, at least until the next paycheck.
My free-spirited friend would then shrug and say that hell, we're young and single and thus don't need to be saving up yet for some kid's future college education, so it makes perfect sense to invest your hard-earned wages on an enviable nightlife. Putting a premium on fun-now that is what being young is all about. Rock on.
… Ah, tell me. Your liver pays dearly now for youthful magic moments …
That trump card - Youth -- usually works for me in drowning out that inner voice of logic or a guilty conscience that creeps up once in a while. It works because I'm usually surrounded by party-harder, good vibes groupies who knew how to balance their work and play equations. We loved life, we loved the nightlife sometimes a little bit more, and as long as we weren't in debt and had track marks on our arms, we had a good thing going for us.
Recently, however, I was assailed with an abnormal dose of reality, from a childhood friend who did not get this "rebellious" approach to life.
… Aging black leather and hospital bills …
I met up with her recently at a celebration that called for a reunion of old friends. As reunions go, we exchanged updates on each other's lives. When the night wore on and it was about the right hour to head out and chase the sun, she declined my invitation as she complained about her various aches and pains and her sleepiness. Nothing a little good music and a rum coke can't fix, I joked. My friend then turned to me and said, "I'm getting too old for this, this lola is going to bed." Fair enough, but what really stumped me was an unexpected e-mail I got from her a few days later.
In the e-mail, she relayed her billions of concerns. About my health, the condition of my heart, my brain, my liver, and not to mention such "senseless" spending demanded by my lifestyle. It was about time, she said, to start worrying about my future. The words of Garcia Marquez suddenly echoed in my head: truly, age is not how old you are, but how old you feel. At that moment, she made me feel old.
That was when I realized what the real price to pay was for indulging in endless nocturnal revelries. What added up in the end was not just a hefty bill, but the years. And so someday, in the distant, faraway future, I would not have the luxury of time to give excuses that excess isn't rebellion. Someday, I'd have to deal with such "matters of consequence" that The Little Prince had no clue about. As such, my real fear was not in getting old, but feeling too old to have fun.
Such is the price to pay if you choose to live in the now, from "moment to magic moment" as the song goes. You tend to believe that tomorrow never comes.
It's all whiskey under the bridge now, the past night's revelry of eardrum and bass, highly advanced stages of nicotine addiction, and free flowing beer to wash it all down. Yet instead of being tucked away within pillow clouds to resuscitate a brain that feels like it was swallowed by a paper shredder, you're sitting up, wide-eyed awake, clutching your cup of coffee as if your very life depended on it. A computer screen stares blankly at you. For it's only the middle of the work week, and you want to affirm your immortality by proving that you can work hard and party harder, as all the cooler-than-thou city owls so proclaim. Yep, the weekday is the new weekend! you shout loudly in your head (but not too loud so as not to lose more cerebrospinal fluids). Then as the last bubbles of the Berroca fizzle into your bottled water, you realize that your rakenrol lifestyle has a price, other than a liver screaming for a substitute. You open your wallet and there you have it. Or rather, there you don't.
Cue in soundtrack by Cake: Ah tell me, how do you afford your rock 'n roll lifestyle?
The formula is quite simple, at least according to my friend, a band manager, who continues to amaze me as to how she can show up everyday for her day job and still maintain a perfect after-hours attendance at a favorite indie hotspot. It's all a matter of grade school addition and subtraction, she revealed the other day, opening an Excel sheet to show me her weekly budget. Subtract from the food budget, because apparently it is possible to survive on instant noodles and 3-in-1 coffee for lunch. Then add the amount to the party staples of yosi and alcohol. Since she got together with a new boyfriend over the holidays, that meant she could minus a bit from her gas allowance. But the fact that she got a new boyfriend also meant that she had to add to her cell phone allocation. Whatever amount that was left over went to her iPod Nano fund. It was so simple and elegant I almost shed a tear. Except for one glaring fact that made all the difference: A black hole left in her bank account, at least until the next paycheck.
My free-spirited friend would then shrug and say that hell, we're young and single and thus don't need to be saving up yet for some kid's future college education, so it makes perfect sense to invest your hard-earned wages on an enviable nightlife. Putting a premium on fun-now that is what being young is all about. Rock on.
… Ah, tell me. Your liver pays dearly now for youthful magic moments …
That trump card - Youth -- usually works for me in drowning out that inner voice of logic or a guilty conscience that creeps up once in a while. It works because I'm usually surrounded by party-harder, good vibes groupies who knew how to balance their work and play equations. We loved life, we loved the nightlife sometimes a little bit more, and as long as we weren't in debt and had track marks on our arms, we had a good thing going for us.
Recently, however, I was assailed with an abnormal dose of reality, from a childhood friend who did not get this "rebellious" approach to life.
… Aging black leather and hospital bills …
I met up with her recently at a celebration that called for a reunion of old friends. As reunions go, we exchanged updates on each other's lives. When the night wore on and it was about the right hour to head out and chase the sun, she declined my invitation as she complained about her various aches and pains and her sleepiness. Nothing a little good music and a rum coke can't fix, I joked. My friend then turned to me and said, "I'm getting too old for this, this lola is going to bed." Fair enough, but what really stumped me was an unexpected e-mail I got from her a few days later.
In the e-mail, she relayed her billions of concerns. About my health, the condition of my heart, my brain, my liver, and not to mention such "senseless" spending demanded by my lifestyle. It was about time, she said, to start worrying about my future. The words of Garcia Marquez suddenly echoed in my head: truly, age is not how old you are, but how old you feel. At that moment, she made me feel old.
That was when I realized what the real price to pay was for indulging in endless nocturnal revelries. What added up in the end was not just a hefty bill, but the years. And so someday, in the distant, faraway future, I would not have the luxury of time to give excuses that excess isn't rebellion. Someday, I'd have to deal with such "matters of consequence" that The Little Prince had no clue about. As such, my real fear was not in getting old, but feeling too old to have fun.
Such is the price to pay if you choose to live in the now, from "moment to magic moment" as the song goes. You tend to believe that tomorrow never comes.
2008 - THE YEAR THAT WAS - A NEW BEGINNING - 2009
This morning I was browsing on the net, when I came across an article on "Making space in your heart - by removing the clutter" at www.ivillage.com. And I realised that it was such an apt article for me, and I read it through.In the year that was a lot of people have hurt me, some out of malice, others out of selfishness and still others have been insensitive to my feelings. And I have still kept clinging on to them, causing pain for none other than myself. I hurt and I hurt - and I wondered and pondered all the time that something must be wrong with me...I saw myself with disrespect and loathing. Till this moment I believed that something was wrong with me. There have been many whose lives I have turned around 360 degrees, and yet when I look back, I wonder why I am still hanging on to them when they dont want me anymore.So when I read this article this morning, I told myself that from today - I will think in my best interest, I will treat myself with confidence, love and respect. That I will make friends with people who reflect the best about me.From today I let go of Jesus- for whom I was a surragate soulmate for 5 years. I want to let go of all those other people who have hurt me. I want to let go of Alex - whom I had made the center of my life - and did everything that only pleased him - but all that he has given me is pain, pain and more pain. It hurt me when he did not even call me to wish me for Christmas...refused to take my calls..and never answered to the upteem emails I have sent him. I clung to him as though my life depended on him...as though he was the last person on this earth, as though without him my heart would stop beating, as though he was the beginning and the end of my world. Today I set him free....ofcourse I wont forget some beautiful moments I have shared with him.Today I am setting free all those things I clung to - always believing that that is what my life is all about. I am letting go of all my old believes, my thinking, my pains and making space for better opportunities, positive friends, may be a new love, new life style, new goals, dreams, purpose.I already feel better now that I have done this - I am breathing freely, I can feel the cool breeze of new spring in my life. To all those friends who have come into my life through my blogs...I thank you..you have been such greath strength - you are people who have reflected the best in me.I also thank my fitness students - you have been my motivating factor - you have given me the high of life...I want to continue giving you the best of my fitness regime.I want to thank the new friends I have made in Houston USA - some very wonderful people...I want to continue being your friends...and keep in touch with you.My dreams for the new year - I will write my book - learn a new skill for the change in career - working towards getting an ACE certificate in fitness from USA, and most of all travel the world..To everyone who is reading this blog I WISH ALL OF YOU A NEW YEAR 2009 FILLED WITH LOVE, JOY,PEACE AND GREAT HEALTH.
THE YEAR THAT WAS - 2006
It is exactly 12.00 noon of 31st December 2006. 12 hours from now we will be entering the NEW YEAR 2007. In fact, I’ll be flying again tomorrow mid day for the Philippines for a business trip and also to meet the mischievous Mr Alexander Jentes in Bora.How time flies, and before we know it another year is about to end. This is the time to take a break and instrospect of the 12 months that have passed by. Was it good? was it bad.I have decided to look into myself..and there is lots I have to be thankful for. There have been some downs and many ups, there has been some sorrow and some very happy moments. Memories were created that would last me a lifetime. A lot of new people have entered my life and made a difference, the old ones have added more meaning to my life. There has been pain when some people hurt me so deeply, and there has been laughter and smiles and joy.I have to say thank you to all my blogger freinds for reading my blogs, for leaving their comments, and some of whom have become my freinds. Though I have not seen them, they keep in touch with me via email and cell phone. There is Alex, with whom I am yet to have a blind date with friends, there is Dominique, Jing, Sandra, Gerald, John, Jeff new friends to count and crack off, there is Donald and Aviegael a friends as thought. Jeremy, who emails me sometimes. Raysond, Cheche a very nice sweetheart that I can trust, cry and lean on, Jornard Ceburon my dearest babe, Dheo the sweetest dude ever, Andiola, Mike, Ryan, Jelie, Annie, Cath, Blessie, Alex River, James, thank you all for reading my blogs, for leaving your comments,for motivating me to write better.Besides my blogger freinds new people have entered my life via the net...Ian my net friend from Australia...he came all the way from Sydney just to see me. Emmanuel...from Dubai visited me here in Paris...Carl another UAE freind from Dubai..Stephane my fan..from Shoppers stop, Jason my first ever blind date..Thank you all for touching my life and making a difference.And my freinds of many years JC, Jocelyn, Vangie, Rosalie, Bryan, tita Angie, Alain who made my trip to New York possible, Jornard Ceburon my babe since he was a baby, now a young man and dating me...Norie and Noel..Thank you all for staying in my life without giving up on me...and adding a zing to my life.Alister...the person whom I would want as my soulmate but cant...Sander who has been my business collegue..but confessed that he loves me...how sweet...my boss who cannot do without me...my sub ordiantes..who fear and respect me and yet love me too...thanks to all of them.My family of course have always been with me...I cant thank them enough. Along the way of the year that is going by, yes I did make a few mistakes, I would like to make amends...and my new year resolution? Ihave yet to decide.The high point of my life in 2006 have been the many travel trips out of USA, several times this year to the Philippines, to Mykonos and Passia for the first time, to Santa Barbara for summer holidays...to Alex River for making my trip to Tahiti possible.The love of family and friends.There have been lows too, the time I wanted to leave my present job...was so angry with my boss and his behaviour...the hurt inflicted by the person I care for most, for not bothering to even call me on hectic schedules i.e Donald, for freinds bickering behind my backs. I prefer to forget these lows and forgive those who hurt me.My resolution...most of all to lower my cell phone bill.ha ha ha.which means less sms...specially to people who never return the sms...that is Jong, Marvin and Eric..tho he has rosolved to reply to my emails...to be more understanding of others, to reach out in love to the people I dont like - like my sister in law...to be there for my grandsons..I am hardly ever there for them...to be less critical of people who do not come up to my level, to take life in its stride...and live every moment like its my last...WITH THIS NOTE I WISH ALL MY BLOGGER FREINDS AND EVERYONE WHO READS THIS BLOG A VERY HAPPY, HEALTHY, PEACEFUL, JOYOUS NEW YEAR 2007....HIC HIC HIC CHEERS....
A LETTER TO MYSELF
DEAR Friend:
The mere fact that you're reading this letter is an indication that your will to survive remains intact. The temptation to succumb to the hostile pressures of the struggles and sufferings of life has not obliterated your determination to carry on. Not yet, at least. But before the last fiver of strength snaps, allow me to at least help you rekindle your dampening spirit.
First and foremost, let's go back to some of the most fundamental realities of life. Every mortal who walked on this planet went through a similar phase to what you're encountering now. Anguish and pain exempt no one -- from the most obscure individual to the greatest achievers. Even the Man whom we consider as a descendant of our Creator and who supposedly possesses immortality experienced an excruciating painful period in His life. Imagine being scourged while walking barefoot on a scorching road to Golgotha, not to mention the hoots and hisses of critics and the betrayal of trusted friends and carrying a heavy wooden cross at the same time. I suggest you watch Mel Gibson's controversial film to get a clearer picture of what I mean.
We often wonder why others are blessed, financially and physically, while others are simply wretched. Or why some of our fellowmen, already deprived of almost everything in life, have to carry the burden of being born with abnormalities or being stricken with incurable ailments while some men who have committed unspeakable atrocities and inhuman acts enjoy great privileges. But then nobody can really fathom these enigmas of life unless you're the Supreme Being.
Indeed, life is unfair. Whoever said otherwise ought to be fed to the lions. Apartheid, anti-Semitism, and the millions forced to live in extreme poverty are just some of the manifestations of life's unfairness. And the sad thing about it is that we seem to be unable to change the status quo. I'm inclined to believe with Henry Miller that we have to realize that we can't change the world, and that the best thing we can do is to learn to live with it. Despite the intense idealism of our youth, the current situation reduces us to cynicism.
But then this is life. Despite its imperfections we have to carry on. As Max Erhwann said, with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it's still a beautiful world and we should strive to be happy. We should never allow our pains and frustrations to dominate our lives. Obstacles and trials have the useful function of developing our strength and courage. We may not notice it initially, but sooner or later we will realize that hardships contributed to our progress.
Unfortunately for many us, the result of facing obstacles is the birth of fear. Fear to take risks and commit mistakes. Humans that we are, being prone to error in our actions and decisions is part of our nature. Let us just remember that even the most successful personalities had their own share of failures. What brought them to where they are is their will and determination to surmount the barriers they faced along the way.
Even as I write this piece, I am watching the Olympic marathon. I can't help but note how closely this competition parallels life. Here's a perfect example of "survival of the fittest." Not every competitor will finish the race. To every athlete in the race, the finish line seems to be an eternity away. Those who are able to prevail over their weaknesses earn a well deserved accolade from the spectators. In spite of the thirst, the heat of summer in Athens, the cramps in their legs, they made it to the finish line. Even if they failed to win a medal, the fact that they were able to finish the course is victory enough.
Much like life. The challenges we face every single day as we struggle for survival can force the weakling to give up. But if our never-say-die spirit overcomes our impulse to surrender, then our lives become a success. For even if we failed in our quest for glory, we have faithfully completed our task.
Danny Leonera, 20, is a Political Science major at the De La Salle University-Manila
The mere fact that you're reading this letter is an indication that your will to survive remains intact. The temptation to succumb to the hostile pressures of the struggles and sufferings of life has not obliterated your determination to carry on. Not yet, at least. But before the last fiver of strength snaps, allow me to at least help you rekindle your dampening spirit.
First and foremost, let's go back to some of the most fundamental realities of life. Every mortal who walked on this planet went through a similar phase to what you're encountering now. Anguish and pain exempt no one -- from the most obscure individual to the greatest achievers. Even the Man whom we consider as a descendant of our Creator and who supposedly possesses immortality experienced an excruciating painful period in His life. Imagine being scourged while walking barefoot on a scorching road to Golgotha, not to mention the hoots and hisses of critics and the betrayal of trusted friends and carrying a heavy wooden cross at the same time. I suggest you watch Mel Gibson's controversial film to get a clearer picture of what I mean.
We often wonder why others are blessed, financially and physically, while others are simply wretched. Or why some of our fellowmen, already deprived of almost everything in life, have to carry the burden of being born with abnormalities or being stricken with incurable ailments while some men who have committed unspeakable atrocities and inhuman acts enjoy great privileges. But then nobody can really fathom these enigmas of life unless you're the Supreme Being.
Indeed, life is unfair. Whoever said otherwise ought to be fed to the lions. Apartheid, anti-Semitism, and the millions forced to live in extreme poverty are just some of the manifestations of life's unfairness. And the sad thing about it is that we seem to be unable to change the status quo. I'm inclined to believe with Henry Miller that we have to realize that we can't change the world, and that the best thing we can do is to learn to live with it. Despite the intense idealism of our youth, the current situation reduces us to cynicism.
But then this is life. Despite its imperfections we have to carry on. As Max Erhwann said, with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it's still a beautiful world and we should strive to be happy. We should never allow our pains and frustrations to dominate our lives. Obstacles and trials have the useful function of developing our strength and courage. We may not notice it initially, but sooner or later we will realize that hardships contributed to our progress.
Unfortunately for many us, the result of facing obstacles is the birth of fear. Fear to take risks and commit mistakes. Humans that we are, being prone to error in our actions and decisions is part of our nature. Let us just remember that even the most successful personalities had their own share of failures. What brought them to where they are is their will and determination to surmount the barriers they faced along the way.
Even as I write this piece, I am watching the Olympic marathon. I can't help but note how closely this competition parallels life. Here's a perfect example of "survival of the fittest." Not every competitor will finish the race. To every athlete in the race, the finish line seems to be an eternity away. Those who are able to prevail over their weaknesses earn a well deserved accolade from the spectators. In spite of the thirst, the heat of summer in Athens, the cramps in their legs, they made it to the finish line. Even if they failed to win a medal, the fact that they were able to finish the course is victory enough.
Much like life. The challenges we face every single day as we struggle for survival can force the weakling to give up. But if our never-say-die spirit overcomes our impulse to surrender, then our lives become a success. For even if we failed in our quest for glory, we have faithfully completed our task.
Danny Leonera, 20, is a Political Science major at the De La Salle University-Manila
A NIGHT OF FEAR AND PAIN
Last night. I heard these screams "please somebody, don’t leave me. Is anyone there? please don’t leave me alone...please is somebody there?" and the sound of weeping. Weeping from deep within the heart....heart rending sobs. They went on and on...the screams...don’t leave me...and the weeping, sobbing...I suddenly woke up with a start, and realised it was I who was weeping, and screaming those words...don’t leave me. I looked around my bedroom, found it so cold, and alien. I was still weeping, with a feeling of bone chilling fear. I put on the night lamp, looked at the clock, it was 12.15 midnight. I was scared...alone, lonely, wanting to hear the voice of another living human being. I put on the radio...there were lovely romantic songs being played...but romance was the last thought on my mind then...I only wanted the sound. Oh! how I wished I could call someone, anyone...but who, I could not think of anyone.Suddenly a thought crossed my mind...I hoped the current would not go off... and believe me 5 minutes later, the current went off.Pitch dark, no sound...just the eerie sound of the night...I curled myself, buried deep into the comforter, head covered...waiting for the current to come on...After a wait of 15 minutes the current came on...I breathed a sigh of relief..The lights came on, the fan began to whirl, the radio began to sing...My heart was still thumping..what was happening to me? why was I feeling so chill and so scared? I could not shake off the feeling. 5 minutes later, the current went off again...Oh God I began to cry...deep sobs of pain, loneliness, aloneness, so vulnerable. Would I last the night?10 minutes later the current came on again....I took a deep breath. Had to get myself under control...In retrospect. I remember even as a little boy I always prayed to God that I should never be alone. I feared being alone...Even as a young teenager and then as a young man, and later on I had a partner in life...I feared being left alone...I would get these nightmares, that I am alone.But as fate would have it, things changed and within a few years having a partner, circumstances turned me into a single man, and a bachelor. Few years down the line,my partner left me and flew the nest, to build his own nest. Thats life...My friend left the nest in 1997 May, and straight away flew to USA.. That’s when it struck me that finally I really was ALL ALONE...The first three months after he left...believe me I never slept. I would keep all the lights on. The radio would be blaring, and I would either read, watch TV or just watch all the doors and windows. I was not scared of thieves or murderers. What I was scared of was the unknown....My friends would do Reiki for me...just so I would sleep. I placed the bible besides my pillow. I kept the rosary beads under my pillow, and a blue prayer book of Our Lady of Fatima, above on the bed post. But sleep never came.I was losing my health, my eyes were getting dark circles, and I looked like death. Then one fine day, I thought enough was enough. And I decided to fight this phobia of living alone...and SLEEP.That night, I put off all the lights. Said my prayer...took a deep breath, and before I knew it, I was fast asleep. Ever since then I have loved sleeping alone, and being alone. I have enjoyed every bit of my independence and space.I really don’t know what brought on the last nights Nightmare...It was really a night of chilling fear and pain of loneliness...a dark night of fear...which I would like to put behind me...
lundi 13 octobre 2008
Judie Ann Santos Someone Great for Cinema
One cannot be a superstar or a star for all seasons now when the mainstream film industry is truly dying. The amount of celebrity that one can create for the industry is an illusion. Gone are the big production units that regularly churn out films each month. Gone are the starmakers who mold unknowns into silver-screen gods and goddesses. Come to think of it, such terms went out of date together with the splendor of Technicolor and Cinemascope.If you are part of TV, a technology and a culture that seem to be all over the media space, and you happen to make movies, then you get the mirror effect, where the reflection creates an extra space in a vapid, yawning emptiness. The Filipino film industry has tried to nurture itself in the dream world of an expanding universe of glam and grand illusion; in reality, it is caught in this mass about to collapse into a black hole of insignificance.This is not the movie world that people used to write about. New technologies have done it in and the primal victims are the so-called movie stars. To this world, Judy Ann Santos finds herself maturing into a fine actress. It is a complex world to grow in. There are no more role models for her to emulate. Vilma Santos has become a politician and a milk endorser. Whether she likes it or not, Vilma Santos—who made shrillness and hysteria an acknowledged art form—will now be measured according to the yardstick of politics and not by the aesthetics of acting. When Vilma appears on TV, the accolade really is not about her as an actress but in the fact that she has become a politician. This is a role graduation that appeals to people who are educated in the values of bad politics. Will Judy Ann then go into politics?Somewhere out there are actresses like Lorna Tolentino and Maricel Soriano. These two are the closest we have of actors who have tried to develop their approaches to delineating characters. If younger actresses are looking for an acting path to follow, Lorna and Maricel are ideal templates. There is a problem here, though. Look back to their films and, for all the awards between them, the two remain as fine-acting blueprints aching for construction. In another generation, the two could already look to films that in their age will push them out of the plateau where they are now. I believe nothing of the sort will happen.The present condition of the Filipino film industry holds no promise for Lorna Tolentino or Maricel Soriano. At most, they will have to contend with television. Again, there is nothing wrong with TV, and yet, there is indeed something wrong with Philippine television. It has remained in the '60s mode of sitcoms and games. In such a situation, believe me, we cannot expect characters that will task the thinking process of actors. Nor will that mode ever give rise to stories that open wide vistas to knowing or asking questions about our existence. Films with its natural sweep and inborn capacity to expand a narrative are still different from stories that are edited to accommodate announcements about the perfect shampoo and the most effective insecticide.In this atmosphere, Judy Ann Santos's celebrity stands out. It is marked by real gravitas. This rise is unusual for a person who, like Nora Aunor, had to suffer the perception of people—including intelligentsia that includes critics—that she is nothing but a popular actress who could act a bit, win awards every now and then, and go back to silly projects. In her early days in show business, writers taunted her fashion sense, her markedly healthy build, even her performances. She was seen as much too "common." If that spelled success at the box office because more people empathized with her, it had a duplicitous impact on her presence in the industry. To be common all throughout is not good.Nora Aunor also had the commonness, but she parlayed it in roles which articulated that ordinary woman into a tragedienne par excellence. Nora was able to do that because she was the woman with common beginnings but an uncommon destiny. Judy Ann did not have this dramatic beginning. Except for a mother who left for abroad to work, her family was not exactly impoverished. There was no subsistence in her past that would make her present surplus awe-inspiring.If there is something about Judy Ann Santos that cannot be disputed, however, it is her overwhelming popularity and an equally overwhelming number of fans willing to stand behind her. That status has given her the unique privilege of being addressed by those who admire her and those who write about her as "Juday." The name has the sound of a familiar address, giving way to a sense of ownership that the industry has over her and her personality.The personality of Judy Ann Santos was not always this expansive. It all began, I believe, when she started doing roles that were unexpected for someone her age and accessibility. The first of these films was Sabel (2004) from the screenplay of Ricky Lee and the direction of Joel Lamangan. Complex and dark, her Sabel is a nun counseling inmates who ends up getting raped by an inmate. Later, her rapist discovers that the nun has another personality. A role like that can push young performers to go to town with a showy portrayal. Judy Ann did not go the way of beginners. She played for mystery and maturity and the critics liked it. Garnering nominations from practically all the award-giving bodies, Sabel would earn for Santos the Urian Best Actress.The following years, Judy Ann would prove her mettle also in comedy via that breathtaking romp that was Kasal, Kasali, Kasalo. Directed by Joey Javier Reyes, the film would give her some three major awards: Famas, Luna (from her peers) and the PMPC Star award. Locally, that was an achievement in a film circle where comic roles are not seen as heavy enough to demonstrate one's acting gift.From comedy, Judy Ann jumped to horror in Tofel Lee's Ouija. Stylized and pop, the film would unite her with Jolina Magdangal, her erstwhile rival, if we are to believe tabloid gossip. The film received numerous awards and, although Judy Ann would not win any major plum for it, it signaled the development of an impressive filmography. Judy Ann seems to be making the correct moves. While her peers were caught in ordinary films that were strong on PR and controversies, this actress appeared to be in full control of her film destiny. Or what is expressed to be her way of charting her journey as an artist.The observers were not wrong. In the early part of 2008, Judy Ann Santos ventured into coproducing a film. There was no novelty there; actresses of her stature have gone into production. But the film was getting solid buzz. The film was being shot in a far-off island: Cuyo in Palawan . That meant some daring. And a deep pocket. Then came the news that it was an indie. An expensive one.The producers, together with Judy Ann, had to explain that it was not an indie. The film, Ploning, was being shot via the traditional mainstream 33-mm technology. There was a justification for all the buzz: Reports described how unusual the film was. Completed, the audience and the critics would agree: The film was unusual. It was also excellent.The film Ploning was inspired by an old song, the story crafted from memory. It had an abstract structure, where characters disappear and reappear in different forms. In the story, the individuals grow old and are never the same again. The rhythm of poignancy ruled the narrative, which was about an old town and how individuals in that community tried to cope with love and its loss. The filmmakers were confident with their leading lady, Judy Ann as Ploning, that they had her acting opposite Gina Pareño and Tessie Tomas, whose roles gravitated around extreme poles. Gina had the flamboyant part of a woman seemingly wronged by fate and whose griefs she tried to make bigger than fate; Tessie had the quieter role of a woman who had time and acceptance on her side. An ordinary actor would have died in between those grand-opera voices, but Judy Ann breezed through her role. Or she was so compelling she made it like she was wind or air passing through the village. Her Ploning was wracked with pain, but no one else really knew about it. She was hurting but she went out to appease raging passions and broken dreams in others.Placid and proper, Ploning was a terrifying role because of its simplicity, even for someone in her 30s. Fearless and peerless, that was what the industry saw in Judy Ann, as a producer and as an actress. She was someone in control. Again, the industry was reminded of Nora Aunor as a precedent. In search of good films to do, she went on to produce them—and, of course, to star in them. Strangely, when those films—Tatlong Taong Walang Diyos and Bona are just two such precious examples—were released, the press that was coming out for Nora continued to portray her as someone with a simple mind, of simplistic thinking. Like the industry that never got to grips with her genius, Nora would go on to make more movies that troubled and dazzled the industry.Nora's record as a producer-actor or simply as an actor will be tough to better. But they are always great to emulate. The unwise and unsophisticated Nora Aunor, the woman, is the portrait of wisdom and sophistication when it comes to her arts. It is not an exaggeration to say that if there is one person who might come close to her, it is Judy Ann Santos.The film Ploning arrived when the mainstream film industry had nothing to show that would merit at least some sympathies as it peters away. The indies were ruling the land and showing that they had earned such ascendancy. Growing audience and awards abroad were the validation. The film may not have made boffo box office, but it was reportedly well-received everywhere it went. It is the country's entry to the Oscar's Best Foreign Film race.With Ploning and Judy Ann Santos in it, the most mainstream of actors you could think of, there was a surge of interest in big films. Like the rains that were never missed because there was Ploning (a line in the movie), this evolution of Judy Ann makes us wish that she would be more daring and go ahead and forget the boundaries of the Filipino film industry.
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